I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but honestly I just didn't want to. Writing it would be confessing a flaw which, you all know I'm flawed, but this one seems to strike a chord deep within me.
Since becoming a mom I've become something that I don't like at all... fearful.
Lately, I have had all sorts of fears. I'll be driving and then the "What if that car crosses the line and kills my babies?" thought will pop into my head and I literally start crying. I'll be rocking one baby and then I'll tear up at the thought of the possibility of them getting cancer, RSV, Meningitis, etc. Last week Felicity had a slight fever for a few days and I had just about convinced myself it was something serious and thanks to Google I can make her symptoms fit just about any disease out there. Is your baby fussy? No, it's not because she's a baby with a slight fever, it's because she has Disease X and her other symptoms haven't shown up yet.
The truth is, I've cried many tears over multiple non-existent scenarios.
That little word is so small, yet it wreaks much havoc on my life these days. After years and years of living a laid back, care free life I've finally jumped off the deep end and become
my mother a worry wort. And although I jest (seriously, I'm kidding mom), it is actually a very serious problem and from what I hear, it's a pretty normal problem for new moms. Yet just because it's common, doesn't make it right.
I really think the root my new fear problem is a control issue. I lived a fairly controlled life up until now. I was in charge of my grades, my goals, my dreams, etc. - Or so I frequently thought. I was running my life efficiently up until the Lord smacked me with two beautiful precious baby girls. And bam... every since we heard those words "You have twins" I haven't been in control at all. And that is OK. It has forced me to rely on God and trust that He is sovereign and good.
Oddly, I'm thankful these children are bringing my control issue to light through the manifestation of fear. I have finally realized that I cannot control these little girls' destinies. I cannot control their health, their safety, their future choices, their well-being. Whereas I thought (key word being thought), I was controlling my life (insert hysterical laughter); it's just not true. And if I would look back on my life I would see God gently & sometimes forcefully putting me in situations where I could not rely on myself like I'd prefer. He is constantly trying to teach me, yet will I ever learn? And now these beautiful little girls have stolen my heart and yet again the Lord is asking me, "Do you trust me?"
I've been studying the book of Ruth lately and I LOVE what the Lord has been teaching me. In the book of Ruth, if I were to place myself as any character, I would be Orpah - hands down. If I were living in a foreign land and my husband, my father in law, and my brother in law all passed away, you had better bet I would not stick it out with my sister in law and mother in law and travel to another foreign land. It's not because I don't love them - you see in the book of Ruth that Orpah refused to leave the first time Naomi urged her to go. She even wept and kissed her mother in law before she eventually left. It is not a lack of affection that drives Orpah to go home, it's a lack of faith in Naomi's God. Orpah was taking her life in her own hands; she sees the situation as dire and realizes that her chances of survival increase if she returns to what is familiar to her, her homeland.
That is me.
If there's a problem - no big deal - I'll just evaluate the situation and come up with a solution that best suits my life. Unfortunately right now, I cannot control the situations. I cannot control cancer, sudden death, tragedy. These are out of my hands and are forcing me to realize a spiritual flaw. Do I trust Him? Honestly, I do with some things. But my girls, my sweet girls... Oh how it is hard for me! I want to trust Him, but my actions speak differently. But I do have hope, I have hope to become a Ruth.
Look at what Ruth says to Naomi when Naomi tries to sway Ruth to leave, " Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you (1:16-17)." She chose to take refuge under the wings of Yahweh (2:12).
Ruth and Naomi's life did not end up like they planned: Widowed and away from all that was once normal. By the world's standard, these are two good people stricken with tragedy. Yet they chose to take refuge under the wings of Yahweh and the Lord blessed them. What I love about this story is that neither Ruth nor Naomi knew whether or not God would provide for their earthly needs. Ruth blatantly says, "Where you die, I will die." I do not hear any fear in Ruth; I only hear resilience. This resilience isn't in herself, but in Naomi's God. Boaz says this of Ruth in chapter two, "May the Lord repay you for what you have done [in regards to taking care of Ruth], and a full reward be given to you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!"
No one can guarentee me that both the Mister and I will live healthy lives and be able to watch our children grow up painlessly, get married, have children who will then also be healthy and happy, and then at the ripe old age of 95 we'll both go to see the Lord together while holding hands in bed. It's not going to happen. Storms will come, and although I fear them, I must learn to take refuge under the wings of Yahweh. The Lord is asking me, do you trust me? And I have to learn to say, without any hesitation, "Where you want me to go, I will go. Where you want me to lodge, I will lodge. What ever comes my way, do not allow me to depart from you."
Do not be mistaken, this is not the point of the book of Ruth. At the end of the book we see that through Ruth and Boaz's offspring, David appears. Which more importantly Christ the Messiah, the greater David, is from the line of David. He is our kinsman redeemer. He is our refuge.
Fear. I hate it. I hate that these babies are already exposing sin in the depths of my heart. But just like Ruth, I am thankful for a kinsman redeemer who does not leave me in the fields scrapping for barley, instead Yahweh generously provides sustenance for each day he grants and each moment he ordains, both good and the bad.
May we find refuge under the wings of our kinsman redeemer, our Yahweh, today.