We're gonna get super REAL up in here today. So for those of yall who have personal boundaries... you might want to just skip this post. Because I'll try to behave but really... It's going to be difficult given the topic.
So this past week was a doozy and it ended on a doozy as well. Babies have been teething, and one came down with an ear infection (bless her heart). And then to top it all off, I cam down with some sort of stomach bug. Hashtag... notok. Hashtag... Yuck. Hashtag... TheVommyMommy (side note: if you have NOT watched the hashtag video with JT and Jimmy Fallon... you probably should go ahead, leave my blog, and do so immediately... Hashtag... YoureWelcome).
Anyways... I had been feeling waves of nausea here and there throughout the week... but I didn't think much about it because they'd quickly go away. Then as I glanced at my calendar and realized what was missing from my life that month... (I warned you it was getting personal)... and started puking Sunday morning... I had a panic attack. I was terrified that I was pregnant despite our best efforts towards prevention. I literally rushed to the grocery store to purchase a pg test with the littles (at which I met a woman who told me about her niece who had twins and "bless her she turned around and got pregnant again not long after! She's a glutton for punishment!" Lord have mercy, I was convinced that it was a sign from God that I was pregnant and He was kinda laughing at me. I digress...). I was a HOT mess. HOTT mess. Trying not to urk in the grocery store, trying to appear as non-pregnant as I possibly could, trying to financially crunch the numbers of 3 college tuitions, trying to assure myself that if I was pregnant it'd most likely be a singleton pregnancy... not twins again, trying to figure out how I would take 3 kids under the age of 2 with me to the grocery store, trying to NOT think about what it'd be like to take 4 kids under 2 with me to the grocery store... you get the idea. I was a mess, a genuinely crazy person.
Here's where I'm going with this... and I haven't fleshed this out yet so have patience with me folks... (OH and no... I am NOT pregnant btw... Nosy bums.)...
But why was it my natural response to view a blessing such as a pregnancy, as an inconvenience or a negative addition to our family? Really, have I been SO conditioned by our culture to believe that children are indeed a necessary & time consuming evil that one must endure until they go to college and then PRAISE HIM, I can finally get my life back? Do I actually believe that having another kid right now would be the end of the world?!?!?! Do I really not understand God's sovereignty and trust Him that He is for me and all things work together for HIS glory and my good? I would have liked to have thought that I had tackled that beast of a lie already, but evidently I didn't. Because at the first thought of having 3-4 kids around and under the age of 2, I crawled into the fetal position by my toilet and upchucked. Literally.
Now don't get me wrong, I think the good Lord has given us enough medical knowledge now to be able to plan for our families, and that can be done in a caring way that is a blessing. Wisdom is a good thing. For example, My doctors recommended that I didn't get pregnant within a year of having the girls due to my health. That is wise. It is a blessing to my family for me to be alive and able to take care of my children. Yet sometimes, I think I take on that planning/controlling role a little too seriously, and if my plan is threatened... well you'd better watch out. So help me... I will. take. you. out.
Again... You think I would have learned my lesson by now with surprise twins.
But through this sickness, the Lord was kind to me and reminded me that children... well, they are a blessing from the Lord. And it is an honor to be a mom and if the Lord saw fit to bless us with another one or two... it's A BLESSING. Not a curse.
All that to say... I've heard story after story about "unwanted" pregnancies... and I get it. It's frightening. hellllllo... less than 24 hours ago I was lying by a toilet with 2 one year olds trying to crawl in my lap, while imagining 1-2 more... I was scared, but let us turn to truth and use it as a filter when our hearts wander toward our feelings. Having an unplanned pregnancy is scary as heck, but children... children are blessing from the Lord and we are to raise them in such a way that honors Him! Let's start changing our culture's view on families by the way we talk about our own pregnancies, children, and others'! Let's discuss new life in a way that brings honor to our Creator, while honestly discussing the hardships that it might bring. Let's talk about the joys of parenting, not just the difficulties.
Let us actually VALUE human life, not just defend it.
I'm tired of having to feel like I have to defend motherhood. A little piece of my soul gasps at my mouth when I utter or hear phrases like "pregnancy scare, oops babies, unwanted pregnancy, etc." And when I sit down to think about it... My heart is crying out to value life... not hide from it or mock it.
So... to all my mamas of OOPS babies, let's remember that we serve a SOVEREIGN God who is good and designed that sweet little blessing of yours before he/she was even discovered. There are NO oops babies in God's creation. Every single one was designed by Him. And the way in which we discuss these blessings with our friends helps shape our view AND their view of LIFE. Let us be careful with our words.
To my mamas out there who are adopting or "trying," and are waiting for the blessing of children... We LOVE you & we're sorry for how our flippant words in regards to having children can cause hurt. We see you, we value you, and we are waiting beside you. We, believe in God's timing and sovereignty in your life as well, and we want to encourage you to cling to truth during this season too.
And with that... I'll hop off of my soap box. But for real... I was a wreck. And am thankful to be back to normal... well... as normal as I'm ever going to be. ;) Praise God for his grace and conviction, and for his gift of eternal life in which we all have hope.
Much love to you all,