Today is a day for honesty.
This probably isn't the most exciting post or even uplifting. But it's real. And a part of the blogosphere that I don't care for is that a lot of times we don't see the messy processes in life. We just see the beautiful crafts, the exciting moments, the perfect answers. And life isn't like that. That isn't real. I don't want to be a blogger who always posts the glamorous side of things - nor do I want to be a debby downer or simply stay silent during the messy processes. I find that there has to be a balance. And I write this blog not to impress, but to keep up with friends near and far. I also write it because I find beauty in the blogging community. There is something beautiful that takes place when women/men are honest and share in life's joys and sorrows, share tips, ideas, growth, etc. Some people find it invasive, but I truly find it therapeutic, plus it is just plain fun to keep up with folks. But all that to say today and lately I am far from glamorous. So my prayer is that this post will minister to others in seeing the process of wrestling with my faith during this pregnancy.
So all that to say, if you're one of those readers who really only wants to see the crafts, recipes, and fun aspects of this blog... this post might not be for you. Just a fair warning. Wait til next week - Lord willing I'll finally get pics of the nursery up. ;)
I'm sitting in my rocking chair in the nursery right now... It seems to be the place I go when I am most uncertain or afraid of what is to come. It's where I contemplate the future, dream, cry, and process. I don't know whether or not that helps to be surrounded by two of everything during my emotional bants... but I think it does.
I am 27 weeks pregnant - wowzers. 7 weeks til full term!!! It is crazy how time has flown and how we're in the final stage of this pregnancy. God has been so gracious to us - and I can see His hand when I look back, so as I look forward I don't know why I fret about whether He's got this under control. Did He make some error in giving us two? Or even a pregnancy at all? Over the past 7 months, we have had multiple friends lose children and many who are unable to conceive, and when I reflect on their journeys and look at these women who have longed for and worked hard for these children, I weep. I weep not because I can identify with them, but because I grieve alongside of them and hate that we live in a fallen world. And I hate that I cannot fix it. And then... I hate that I feel guilty... I feel guilty because I am wrestling and I know that others would give anything to be in our shoes.
And in those moments and during others, a small voice of doubt says, "They deserve to be pregnant. Not you. You don't deserve this. This was never your dream. Motherhood won't come easy for you like it would have them... You are not the nurturing type. You're too selfish and independent to be a mom. So why do you have two? Your life, your identify, your dreams... they are all over and you won't be able to handle it."
And in those moments, I feel guilt and fear. I have 1000 questions that I dare not speak aloud because during this time in life, pregnant women should be excited and thrilled and so grateful. While I emphatically AM those things (trust me we are super pumped about these girls!! couldn't love them more!), there are moments when fear sets in and I spiritually have to fight this battle. It isn't pretty. It isn't glamorous. No body really wants to talk about the ugly side of it... But it's the honest truth.
And that's where I've been today but I don't want to leave it there. When we are attacked in life, whether in our thoughts, health, marriages, relationships, etc., we cannot win these spiritual battles by simply wallowing in doubt/fear or by just pulling up our bootstraps. We must fight with a fervency - and there is a reason Scripture is referred to as the Sword of the Spirit. So when I can't speak truth into my own life, I have to return to the well and remind myself what is true. So that's what I've been doing today: battling. fighting. wrestling.
It's true - I have fears about being a mom, childbirth, the future. I'm not your typical "I've been wanting to be a mom since..." girl - and I will not be shamed into thinking that as a result, my experience as a mom will reflect that. Instead I cling to the truth that I serve a God whose grace is sufficient for me. I might not naturally be the best at being a mom, but His grace will sustain me and our girls.
So as a result, I've been reintroducing myself to the God I claim to love and serve. I boast in my weakness - not wallow in it - because...
2 Cor. 12: 9-10.
And I believe this to be true as well:
The heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord, and if this Lord can sway the heart of kings, he can turn my heart as well.
So today, I don't boast about the latest craft, recipe, or fun adventure. I'm not posting awesome ultrasound pics that bring so much joy to our lives (but no worries, I will post some next week ;) bc they really are adorable). Instead... I'm boasting in someone who is greater than me. Who is better than me. Who will restore all brokenness. Who is sovereign and infinitely good. When you read this post - don't see my failures (although they are obvious and offensive), see a God who works in spite of them for His glory.